Not if, when

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2

I am currently reading When Love & Sorrow Embrace by Beth Forbus. It's about God's grace through the heartache of miscarriage.

Thus far the author has referred to Isaiah 43:2 a couple times. And she points out something very key that I hadn't noticed before.

The word....when.

Notice that the passage says, when you pass through the waters. When you pass through the rivers. When you walk through the fire.

Not if, when.

This passage seems to indicate that we all will, at some point in our lives, walk through fire. Pass through stormy waters. Trudge through deep rivers.

And when we do, God says, "I will be with you."

When you face that divorce - I will be with you.

When you can't make your house payment - I will be with you.

When your diagnosis comes back - I will be with you.

When anxiety, fear or dread overwhelm you - I will be with you.

When failure is looming on the horizon - I will be with you.

When death comes knocking at the door of a loved one - I will be with you.

Three years ago today, death came knocking...and took my little one from my womb.

The waters of grief engulfed me. The rivers of tears flooded my eyes. The fires of anger threatened to overtake me.

Yet God was with me. He knew about the waters, rivers and fires that I would face. In fact, He had already told me in Isaiah...not if, when. And He promised that when the time came, He would be with me.

As I look back on those days, the pain and heartache are still so very real. And the promises of God are so very sweet.

Fight for freedom

Originally posted on July 17, 2008:

This week we’ve talked about recognizing a bitter root, finding freedom from living in bondage, confessing it, and choosing forgiveness. Much of what I’ve been writing about this week is based off Ephesians 4:31 which tells me to get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

So in studying this passage, I asked myself, “If I am getting rid of those emotions, what am I replacing them with?”

Verse 32 says to be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I decided to make a list of everything I could find in Ephesians that told me ‘how to be.’

This is the list I came up with:

Be…
an imitator of the Lord
filled with the Spirit
completely humble and gentle
patient
made new in the attitude of my mind
kind
compassionate
forgiving
careful how I live, not as unwise, but as wise
strong in the Lord and in His mighty power

As we work to rid ourselves of bitterness and resentment, we can replace those unhealthy emotions with things like compassion, humility, gentleness, and patience. We can choose to be an imitator of the Lord. We can pray to be filled with the Spirit. We can strive to live carefully and wisely.

It won’t happen overnight. But friends, if we persistently and faithfully seek the Lord, and desire to be all He is calling us to be, I strongly believe that we WILL be made new in the attitude of our mind.

Note: Last week I offered up these two questions.... Do you want to be well or do you want to cope? Do you want to accept God's invitation for healing? Remember what my pastor said: "Most of us would rather cope with our problems than do the hard work of getting well and being free."

I know God desires to bring healing to each one of our hearts. Take the first step today and tell Him you want to be free from whatever hurt is in your heart. If you are struggling with a heart of resentment, anger or bitterness toward a family member, friend, co-worker, ex-spouse, or toward God, please let me know - I would love to pray for you! Or if God has revealed an area of unforgiveness in your life, I would consider it an honor to pray for you as you work toward healing and forgiveness. You can e-mail me confidentially at stacyjmay@comcast.net.

Thank you friends for letting me share what God revealed to me and taught me last summer. Thank you to my dear friend K who asked me the hard questions that led me on my journey to freedom. God continues to teach me about healing, freedom and how easy it is to cope rather than work to be free. I am so grateful that when the Son sets us free, we are free indeed (John 8:36).

Two months from today

Tomorrow I'll get back to the topic I've been posting about for the last week.

But for now I have to acknowledge what today is: July 7.

Big deal huh?

What's so special about today?

Let me tell you: Exactly two months from today is my due date. Two months?!

I'm not gonna lie....it's scary. Just today Samuel climbed onto the door of the dishwasher while it was open. He dumped out the cat food. He's had about 5 dirty diapers and cries every time I change him because his little bottom is red.

Life around here is, well, busy. Hard. Crazy. Full of adventure.

And it's only going to get crazier, busier and harder.

People say I'm going to have my hands full with two. Well my grandma (who just recently passed away and was a mom to 13 children) told me to tell those people that my hands are already full - they are just going to be a little fuller.

Isn't that the truth?

I completely agree that my hands ARE already full with a growing, curious, active, strong little man to look after.

But that doesn't mean I'm not nervous wondering how I'll feed two babies....change two sets of diapers....dress and bathe two bodies....chase after two little kiddos.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but approximately two months from today I'm going to find out. I'm very excited. And quite terrified. And trying to trust God every day for the grace, wisdom and strength I'll need to parent 2 babies 11 months apart.

Choose wisely

Originally posted July 16, 2008:

I heard this statistic recently: 70% of people are angry about something. As we’ve discussed this week….bitterness is the unharvested fruit of anger.

In Andy Stanley’s book "It Came From Within," Andy says that the antidote to anger is forgiveness. “Forgiveness is not a feeling; it’s a decision. Forgiveness is a way of life for the man or woman committed to keeping their hearts free of anger and bitterness. Forgiveness is the means by which we are to do away with our bitterness, rage and anger.”

Forgiveness is a tough topic.

Forgiveness requires action on our part.

Forgiveness cannot take place unless we have a genuinely repentant heart.

I so desire to immediately be rid of bitterness, anger and resentment in my heart. I want to wipe my hands and be on my way. But in my desire to deal with these emotions, I need to reconsider my motives and determine if I truly have a heart of repentance.

Wikipedia says that resentment will often manifest itself through the lack of forgiving, the unwillingness to let go and forget.

I talked with a wise older friend today and she encouraged me to look beyond the symptoms that are appearing in my life and get to the root of my bitterness….there could be issues from my childhood or my past that are causing me to respond with an attitude of bitterness and resentment. What am I unwilling to let go of and forget from my past? What hurt and pain am I clinging to?

The more time I spend reading, writing and learning about bitterness, the more I want to run in the opposite direction.

But as a woman striving to live wisely, I have no choice. Tom Drout says, “We cannot live with bitterness because it will first manifest itself in our spirit, then in our emotions, and finally in our bodies.”

If I want to build my home, build my family, build my relationships, I must deal with the issues of the heart. I must ask God to show me where I have unforgiveness lurking in dark corners. If I do not choose to forgive, I will walk in bitterness and that bitterness will affect my spouse, my family members and my relationships with those I care about.

Lets determine to be among the 30% of people who have chosen to replace their anger with forgiveness. Lets walk in the peace and freedom that comes from choosing forgiveness. It’s not a feeling. It’s a choice.

Lets choose wisely today.

Red, white and blue

The bondage of bitterness

Originally posted July 15, 2008:

Yesterday I shared a little of my own journey in discovering and dealing with the bitterness that has taken residence in my heart.

How can you tell if you harbor bitterness? Here's a simple test you can take. Ask yourself these questions:

"Is there someone who, when I think of them, I feel hurt and wish revenge?

Is there someone who, every time I see the person or think of the person, a sharp pang of resentment flares up as I perceive how they have done me wrong?"

Now don't just keep reading. Stop and really ponder these questions.

Is there is anyone in your life (or past) who still brings hurt to your heart?

If you are like me, and you take some time to really dig deep, you just may find there is a bit of bitterness lodged in your heart with regard to that person(s). You may also discover that you've been pretty good at covering it up. I've learned that bitterness lies just beneath the surface....just like roots. You can't see them, but they are there. And man can they be powerful!

Ephesians 4 has been a guide for me during this process of discovering and dealing with bitterness. Verse 31 says to get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander.

Do you see the command there? Get rid of.....

To get rid of we need to dig out the bitter root. We need to recognize if we have bitterness, rage, anger, brawling and slander. We need to confess it.

After weeks of reading about bitterness and resentment and praying about it and talking about it, I finally got down to the business of confessing it. There is freedom in saying out loud, "Lord, I confess I have bitterness toward _____ for _____."

I know that people live in bondage to a lot of things: alcoholism, drugs, pornography, greed, depression, anxiety and eating disorders. But it didn't dawn on me that I was living in bondage too.

Remember that bitterness toward another person affects you more than them. While you might view your anger as justified and your hurt and resentment as your way of hurting the one who hurt you, bitterness will ultimately harden your heart and affect your relationships.

When I read that I could be free of the bondage of bitterness I almost cried for joy. Dear friends, lets claim the beautiful truth that Christ has come to set us free....lets walk in freedom together.

A root revelation

For the next few days I will share a series of postings that I wrote last summer on another blog of mine as I worked through the realization that I was drowning in a sea of bitterness, anger and resentment.

This was originally posted on July 14, 2008:

If you're reading this and don't know me personally, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about three years. We've been diagnosed with unexplained infertility and although we had a miscarriage two years ago, we haven't been able to get pregnant since. If you're interested, you can read more about this from a series of postings I wrote last year.

Recently a friend asked how I was doing in this area of my life and I shared with her that while I am fine with being around babies (for the most part) it is very difficult for me when friends and family are pregnant. I told her "I just really have a problem with pregnant women."

She looked at me with kind, loving eyes and asked, as a good friend should, "Do you think there is something you should do about that?"

My first reaction was to stubbornly say, "No!" I didn't want to deal with whatever hurt or pain was in my heart that causes me to struggle with being around pregnant women.

But her question started me on a journey that I never expected to go down.

During the last few weeks, as I have I pondered her question, I have come to realize that I have allowed the pain, hurt and anger of three years of infertility to harden parts of my heart.

God has brought to light the people in my life that I am resentful toward - for achieving pregnancies easily, for not being sensitive to my struggle or for never acknowledging what I am going through. I realized I was also angry at God for allowing every person in my life (or so it seemed) to get pregnant - except for me.

This realization hit me with full force when I read the following question one morning during my devotional time: "Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy or distrustful? Am I proud? Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard? If so, what am I doing about it?"

While all those questions are important, did you read the last one? "If so, what am I doing about it?"

Well for three years I haven't done a thing about it. I have just clung to my hurt, pain, longing, and anger. I felt justified in holding on to these feelings and they became a crutch that I clung to in tough moments and on hard days.

My crutch came tumbling down when I read this quote: "Bitterness will end up affecting you more than anyone else."

I doubt any of the people I hold resentment and bitterness toward have any idea that I feel this way. I am very good at covering it up. While in my mind I might have been thinking "I'll show them," I have discovered that it hasn't really affected anyone but me.

Did you know that bitterness is the unharvested fruit of anger?

My bitterness toward other people and toward God is really displaced anger. Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."

Friends, I have allowed a bitter root to grow in my heart. I identify with the author who wrote, "I hadn't intended to let bitterness grow within my heart, but I hadn't actively prevented it either."

It was painful when I discovered that bitter root. It's deep and I don't want to let it go. But I also don't want to live a life of bitterness.

This week I'll be sharing the things I'm learning about recognizing resentment and bitterness in my heart, and how to begin dealing with it.

Today I'm wondering: is there any part of your heart that feels bitterness toward another? Someone who has wronged you? Someone who has hurt you either intentionally or unintentionally? A parent, spouse (or ex-spouse), a sibling or other family member, someone from a past relationship, a co-worker or boss, a neighbor, a friend, a trusted leader or role model in your life?

Let me ask you this question: Is there ANYONE whom you fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard? If so, what are you doing about it?