Wednesday, November 26, 2008

It wouldn't have mattered

Dear Samuel,

During the years that your dad and I waited for you, I was given a book of devotionals that became a life preserver for me. I underlined, marked, folded pages, tagged topics, and referred to it over and over again. It was as if I had penned many of the words myself. The author made me feel valued and understood. The book is titled Moments for Couples Who Long For Children by Ginger Garrett.

While many of the devotions spoke right to my heart throughout our journey of waiting, I never quite understood the last devotional of the book. I could not identify with the author on her unique perspective. That devotional starts with these words: After a long battle with infertility, I had a son in the fall of 1999. When the nurses bundled him up and laid him in my arms for the first time, I gazed on his face and out came words that revealed a surprising realization: “It wouldn’t have mattered.” I am sure the nurses didn’t understand my muttering, but I felt seized with love for this precious infant – not because he came from my womb, but because he came from God. “It wouldn’t have mattered” to me had he been adopted or come from my womb.

In the midst of my struggle with infertility, having rejoiced over and mourned the loss of two precious babies, I could not comprehend how “it wouldn’t have mattered” whether my babies were adopted or biological.

But today Samuel I have a new perspective. I see with different eyes. I feel with a different heart. I have experienced the unbelievable joy of holding you in my arms and watching you break into a smile that melts every inch of my heart.

So today I say to you Samuel: it doesn’t matter one bit. I am fiercely and madly in love with you my little miracle man. I could not love a biological child more than I love you…maybe that is because I know that you truly are a gift from our great God.

On the day before Thanksgiving 2008 I say to you Lord: Thank you for the gift of Samuel. I recognize that he comes straight from your arms to mine. Thank you for teaching me the lesson: “it wouldn’t have mattered.”

2 comments:

Rachel and Arielle said...

Okay Stacy,
I'm literally cold in my office now because of the chills I have from reading this post.
This was so beautifully written.

You know I don't have my own kids yet, but you also know my heart for adoption. This is the kind of thing I get so excited about! It really is a miracle- your story and adoption in general.

I need to come meet this little Samuel boy!
Love,
Miss Rachel

Anonymous said...

Stacy,
This post sent chills throughout my body. Im sitting in the school library, which is normally 150 degress, with goose-bumps.
Happy early Turkey Day
Sam
ps tell Sam i say hello :D