Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Words on Waiting

You'd think by now I would be good at waiting...

Last March Ryan and I celebrated 7 years of marriage and still we waited.

Last April I turned 32 years old and still I waited. 

Last May I endured another dreaded Mother's Day (although we avoided it as best as possible and spent the day on our own) and still we waited.

I waited for positive pregnancy tests. I waited for my cycle to start (or end). I waited while others got pregnant. I waited while others gave birth. I waited while friends said, "Maybe you haven't gotten pregnant so we can be pregnant together."

And then they had babies. 

And still I waited. 

I quit my job to work at home. 

I sold my house and moved into a new home.

I did acupuncture, changed my diet, and took dietary supplements. 
And I waited. 

Then I got pregnant. And I waited. Then we lost the baby.

As you know, in God's miraculous plan, He brought Samuel into our lives a few weeks later. And even though we now had a baby, there was still plenty of waiting in store.

We waited for the 10-business day waiting period for the birth mom not to change her mind. 

We waited for the 30 days for the birth dad not to claim his parental rights.
We waited for the post-placement study to be completed. 

And now we wait to find out when we go to court so the adoption can be finalized and Samuel will be legally ours.

They said sometime in February but we haven't heard. I contacted our attorney but she hasn't responded. I want to call. I want to get the date on the calendar. I want to be in control of my waiting.

But I'm not in control. In fact, I was never in control. One can't control waiting. We can't start it or stop it.

And it never gets easier.

Even though we have a tentative end to our wait, it is still waiting. And I do not like waiting.

I cannot believe that I still haven't gotten used to waiting. I mean, Ryan and I pretty much chose the fertility method of waiting on the Lord the last two years. We could have done IUI or IVF but we felt called to wait. We couldn't control our wait, but we felt called to wait. 

During my three years of waiting I listened to songs on waiting. I read books and articles on waiting. I marked verse after verse in my Bible that referenced waiting (and I put the date in the margin next to it). I listened to sermons on waiting. I have a lot of waiting resources. And through them I learned that waiting is not an accident. Waiting in not unplanned by the God of the universe. Waiting is not an alternative to plan A. Waiting IS plan A. If I am waiting it is because that is exactly where God wants me to be today.

So here I am. Waiting. And I'm reminded of a verse a friend e-mailed me a few weeks ago and I read in a letter again today:

Isaiah 64:4
"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him."

What a promise that is for those of us who are waiting. Tonight I will lay my weary head on my pillow trusting and believing that our God of miracles is already acting on our behalf as we wait for Him.


JellyBelly said...

waiting is the hardest part of infertility, but you're right it is all in god's time.

i just wish that what he wanted and what i wanted were the same! ;)

Stacey said...

I feel like I've become an expert on waiting, too. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that I've become any more patient!

This is an excellent post and I can totally relate. Thank you! I hope your wait to finalize the adoption is not a long one.

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

I just came across your blog and I am so inspired by your writing! You truly have a gift.

Praise God for the miracles in your life! Wow, what a story! It gives me so much hope during my time of waiting.

I pray that I might have the strength to wait with the deep faith, hope and love that you have.