Six months ago today Ryan and I walked into our clinic to discover that at 9 weeks our baby no longer had a heartbeat. It was 9.11.08 and it is a day we'll never forget.
This week I was going through stacks of papers on my desk - they had been piling up since September (miscarriage, surgery, Hawaii, Samuel...who had time to organize papers?!). I came across a stack of cards from our miscarriage.
I vividly recall returning from Hawaii and sitting together at our dining room table and opening a huge pile of mail. Card after card expressing support and love during our time of sadness and grief.
This week as I started re-reading some of the cards I couldn't help but cry.
I cried for two reasons:
1 - Because I am not sure I have fully grieved the loss of that baby due to the quick arrival of Samuel into our lives just weeks later. As I re-read the sentiments in the cards, my emotions overwhelmed me and I believe that continues to be part of the grieving process (as anyone who has suffered a personal loss knows, the tears can come at any time and the healing process can take months and years).
2 - I also cried because I was so grateful that God has blessed Ryan and I with such amazing friends and family to support us during our trials. While many believe miscarriage is a private thing to be grieved over personally, I needed others to know about the loss we had suffered and to grieve alongside us. And they did in ways I couldn't have even predicted.
These words written by friends and family in various cards touched my heart again this week and stand out to me as I think of Samuel and God's plan for us...
"God's ways are perfect and everything He does is worthy of our trust. Seemingly this wasn't perfect so we lift you up in prayer and ask God to reveal His plans to us. We never give up so know we are partnering with you in petitioning God."
"We are hoping and praying that the Lord will give you children."
'We are praying that as you serve Him He will give you your heart's desire."
"I look forward to celebrating your baby in the future. What a celebration it will be!"
"We are lifting you both up in prayer and will continue to do so until the Lord gives Aaron a cousin and gives you your baby."
"It is so far beyond out understanding what God is up to right now. We do know that, ultimately, God is working all things together for good for those who love Him. We know that even now He is at work."
"Lord I know that you will make beauty from these ashes..."
"Your story is not over yet. If you are still breathing God has a plan!! You do not know the plans that God has for you next week or next year. Keep hope and keep trusting that God has great things for you."
'When you're on the other side of this journey, may you very clearly see His hand and His purpose."
Oh friends, today we see His purpose. We see His plan. He truly did make beauty from our ashes. He worked all things together for good. He gave us our heart's desire. His ways are perfect and He is worthy of our trust.
Today I'm so thankful for these words and looking back I see how they offered truth. Showered us with love. Gave hope. And ultimately how their prayers were answered in a miraculous way!