Thursday, April 2, 2009

It's time

When Ryan and I first miscarried (nearly 3 years ago) a friend told me about a motherhood necklace she got after her miscarriage. It's from a web site called Red Envelope and looks like this:

My friend wore this necklace and when people asked her about it she told them the story of her first little one lost to miscarriage.
I asked Ryan to order one for me and it give it to me when the time felt right. I thought it would be a good way to not only acknowledge that I was a mother, but this necklace could be a reminder of the little one I lost.

The following February, on the due date of the baby we had lost, Ryan handed me a red box. I had completely forgotten about the necklace.
The moment he handed the box to me I knew. And the tears started falling. It had been eight months since the miscarriage and my heart was still so raw. My grief was overwhelming. My arms ached for a life I never got to meet.

I still have that red box.

I still have the card that Ryan included inside.

And I still have that necklace.

And I have never worn it.

I thought I could wear it two years ago in memory of my baby. I thought I could wear it as a way to heal. I thought I could remind myself that I was a mom, even though my arms were empty.

But I couldn't. It was just too painful. So instead I tucked it away for 'someday.' It resembled a hope unfulfilled. When I saw the little white mesh bag that held the necklace, I would hold my breath in anticipation of the day I would get to wear it - when I had a baby to hold in my arms.

The fall came and went. I now had a baby to love.
Then I discovered I was pregnant and my dream of having life grow in my womb is coming to fruition.

I still haven't worn my necklace. I'm not sure why.

But I think it's time.

This necklace is a reminder to me of my first baby. It's a reminder to me of my second baby. It's a reminder that I was a mom long before I held a little one in my arms every day. It's a reminder to celebrate the gift of motherhood. It's a reminder to thank God for Samuel and for this new life.

Some days it might be hard to wear the necklace as I recall the pain and hurt associated with losing two little ones.

Some days I might be giddy with joy over the delight in wearing a motherhood necklace and raising my children.

Some days I might wear it to honor the babies I lost and the babies I now love.

Some days it will be a reminder of the long road to motherhood, the 'gift of infertility' and the blessing of waiting on God's perfect timing.

But today I'm just going to put it on. I am going to wear it in remembrance. I am going to wear it in gratitude. I am going to thank God that I am not the same person I was the day I received the necklace as a gift. I'm going to see it as a token of the lessons I've learned and the journey I've experienced.

It's time.


Fertile Thoughts said...

This is such a beautiful post. I get so choked up when I hear you talk about the babies you lost. I am totally going to look up that site to see the necklaces. Thanks for posting this ides as I have never heard of it before :)

Becky said...

This is beautiful Stacy. Today I was also remembering you and your two babies (see my blog).

Also, I wanted to let you know that I linked to your post on praying for God to move the mountain of infertility. I hope that is okay.

The Mac's House said...

I bought one of these necklaces for my daughter who just had a baby and is a single mom. It was to symbolize to her that she has a great responsibility she has to her.

I had never heard about the symbol of t hem being for babies lost, an idea that is very touching indeed. I would need one for myself with several miscarriages as a result of secondary infertility after the birth of our own daughter.

I purchased another necklace like this for my sister with two babies on it and one adult for her now that she is a single mom with a pending divorce. It gives her great strength and wears it proudly which makes me extremely happy.

I am in awe of your site, your story and the blessings that are coming to you.