Tomorrow morning I have my 20-week ultrasound. I'm looking forward to the appt because we'll see our little peanut and find out (hopefully) if we're having a boy or girl.
I'm not looking forward to the appt because I still have dreadful feelings about ultrasounds due to my history.
In fact, I think my fears go deeper than I even realize.
Last night I dreamt we went to the appt and right after the appt I went into labor. In my dream I delivered 6 babies - oh wow! And then they all died because I was only 20 weeks along.
And I remember thinking, "How am I ever going to grieve the loss of 8 babies....these six plus my two miscarriages?"
I woke up with a heavy heart.
This is the reality of the road I've walked.
If you've been divorced, or severely hurt in a relationship, your views on love are impacted.
If you've struggled with your identity or your worth, it impacts your self-image and self-esteem.
If you've come from a broken home, it's hard to grasp what a Christ-centered family looks like.
If you've suffered judgment and condemnation, you find it hard to be open and authentic with others.
Our experiences impact us. They don't have to define us, but they certainly impact us.
My mind keeps going to a verse in Isaiah 26: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."
I would like to think that even with my imperfect mind, God can give me perfect peace if I choose to trust Him.
Here's the problem: I write dates next to verses when I pray them for a specific situation or they speak to me about something I'm going through.
Next to Isaiah 26:3 I have this date written - 9.9.08
Two days before I went in for our second ultrasound last September I claimed this verse because I was nervous that our baby wasn't healthy. And it wasn't. Two days after I wrote in the margin of my Bible, I was told that our baby had died and there was no longer a heartbeat.
How do I trust today, when I trusted last September and my heart was broken over the loss of my baby? How do I not think the same thing is going to happen again?
This trust thing...it's so...daily. Sometimes it's even moment by moment.