Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Moment by moment

Tomorrow morning I have my 20-week ultrasound. I'm looking forward to the appt because we'll see our little peanut and find out (hopefully) if we're having a boy or girl.

I'm not looking forward to the appt because I still have dreadful feelings about ultrasounds due to my history.

In fact, I think my fears go deeper than I even realize.

Last night I dreamt we went to the appt and right after the appt I went into labor. In my dream I delivered 6 babies - oh wow! And then they all died because I was only 20 weeks along.

And I remember thinking, "How am I ever going to grieve the loss of 8 babies....these six plus my two miscarriages?"

I woke up with a heavy heart.

This is the reality of the road I've walked.

If you've been divorced, or severely hurt in a relationship, your views on love are impacted.

If you've struggled with your identity or your worth, it impacts your self-image and self-esteem.

If you've come from a broken home, it's hard to grasp what a Christ-centered family looks like.

If you've suffered judgment and condemnation, you find it hard to be open and authentic with others.

Our experiences impact us. They don't have to define us, but they certainly impact us.

My mind keeps going to a verse in Isaiah 26: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

I would like to think that even with my imperfect mind, God can give me perfect peace if I choose to trust Him.

Here's the problem: I write dates next to verses when I pray them for a specific situation or they speak to me about something I'm going through.

Next to Isaiah 26:3 I have this date written - 9.9.08

Two days before I went in for our second ultrasound last September I claimed this verse because I was nervous that our baby wasn't healthy. And it wasn't. Two days after I wrote in the margin of my Bible, I was told that our baby had died and there was no longer a heartbeat.

How do I trust today, when I trusted last September and my heart was broken over the loss of my baby? How do I not think the same thing is going to happen again?

This trust's so...daily. Sometimes it's even moment by moment.


Kathryn said...

On my own blog, By His Grace Alone ( wrote

...but as I read I was reminded of C.S. Lewis' wise words... ..."relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done."

I thought this might be as apt for your situation as it was for mine.

Kathryn said...

I didn't say this right. My blog is NOT By His Grace Alone. It was written by the person from that blogspot & i gave the address to her for her credit. I don't remember her name & couldn't find it in a quick look.

Maria Therese said...

I read your blog and my heart goes out to you. I believe that God asks us to just continue praying and trusting in Him always.

I know that we don't know each other, but please know I'm praying for you, your unborn baby, your husband, your son, and for you to receive a good report tomorrow!
You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Maybe you could say a little prayer for me sometime? I'm forty two, I've been married for almost two years, and my heart and arms are aching for a baby. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with endometriosis stage four Feb. 2008 and I've had two surgeries so far. My last surgery was April 1st.

In one of your posts you have encouraged me so much. The last few days I've been praying asking God to please, if it's His will, to please move the mountain of infertility in my life.

I will remember you and your family in my daily rosary and prayers!

Thank you so much for the encouragement!

Can you recommend any Bible verses for someone who is dealing with the mountain of infertility and trying to wait patiently (?!) for God's timing?

May God Bless you and your family.

Maria Therese in Mass

Ryan said...

I don't want to take away from the other comments, but I felt that since it was on my heart I should write this.

When I saw that you had posted today, I was excited at the possibility of seeing new pictures of Samuel and was disappointed when there wasn't. I thought for a second about just closing my browser without reading your post, but I have come to enjoy learning about you through what you write in your blog.

I had know idea about your bad dream last night. I wish I would have know this morning before leaving for work so I could offer you some comfort.

I am glad to know that you are feeling the same way about going to the doctor tomorrow as I am. I just can't believe that God is good enough to bless me twice.

What an amazing wife he has blessed me with. I am so lucky to have you on my team. And even luckier to have entered parenthood with you.

Regardless of what the future holds, I am excited to hold your hand along the way.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, Ryan May made me cry!

Love you guys, praying for tomorrow and trusting that God is the author and perfector of your story!


Flakymn said...

One thing I came to realize, and I am sure you are realizing as a Mom now ...

I thought that when Isaac was born I'd quit worrying and trust God all the time. I thought when Elijah was born I'd finally give it over to him.

But I STILL worry now ... just about different things. Having them here with me, doesn't change those darned worries. Darn!

I'm working on it. God and I are working on it together. Great post. Praying you find the same peace and that tomorrow brings great news and joy.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I think worry goes along with being a woman... regardless of where we are in our lives. Looking for a mate, trying to get pregnant or adopt, making sure our family is well-provided for, etc. I think it's natural to worry. But when it gets dangerous for our bodies is when the worry consumes us. Just keep praying that God will guide you through this and that His will be done. No matter WHAT you worry about, or how much you worry, HIS WILL BE DONE. And no amount of worry can change that.
That being said, I have so much faith that His will is for this baby to be healthy and go full-term. Keep telling yourself that YOU DESERVE THAT. Sometimes our worries come from a place deep inside (as humble, Christian women) that feels we are undeserving of so many blessings in our lives. YOU ARE DESERVING!! Keep saying that affirmation in your prayers. If it helps, I certainly feel you are deserving :)

GL tomorrow, and I'll be checking in.

Becky said...

I can imagine how hard it must be to trust after what you have been through. Several times on your blog, you have encouraged me by reminding me that God has a perfect plan for each of us. Keep holding on to that. He has you and your precious little one in the palm of His hand.

Praying all goes well tomorrow and for peace tonight as you wait.

Life In Mazes said...

Sending prayers your way. I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions you and your husband are experiencing! God hears your prayer and he will always be your comfort.

Anonymous said...

I wish you a lot of peace as you go to your ultrasound visit today.

I loved what you wrote that certain experiences impact us, but don't define us. I'm currently trying not to let my infertility define me. It's so hard, when these things have such a great impact on who we are.

Best of luck. . . and I can't wait to hear if you are having a healthy boy or a healthy girl. :-D