Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A heart at peace...

Although the majority of my journey toward healing (as it related to infertility and miscarriages) took place last year, it started in the fall of 2006.

I clearly remember sitting on an airplane headed to California. Ryan and I were taking a trip to visit our friends who were living out there for a few months. I was excited to see them and spend time together, yet it was hard too.

I had miscarried in July and a month later my dear friend told me - just days before she headed to California - that she was pregnant. I won't lie: it was tough.

I struggled with how I would watch one of my closest friends live out my dream of pregnancy. I worried about seeing her growing belly and watching her celebrate her miracle as I grieved the loss of mine.

I could only hope that I would get pregnant again quickly so we could share in the joy of expecting together.

Well there I was on the plane to California in October. Not pregnant. Feeling sorry for myself. Wondering how I was going to react to seeing my friend pregnant. And, to be honest, I was very jealous. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. I wanted to watch my belly expanding.

I opened to the book of Proverbs as our flight took off.

It was the 14th day of October so I turned to Proverbs 14. I started reading and stopped when I came to verse 30: A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Right there I had a choice to make: I could choose peace or I could choose envy. One gives me life the other leads to decay.

The Amplified Bible puts it like this: A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body, but envy, jealousy, and wrath are like rottenness of the bones.

The NLT version tells me that jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

So I prayed right then and there for peace. I actually begged God for peace toward my friend and not envy. I loved her and didn't want to be filled with envy. I didn't want cancer to eat away at me - I wanted to celebrate her and the miracle of life growing inside of her.

That day next to Proverbs 14:30 I marked in the margin of my Bible 10.14.06. I knew I had a long road ahead of me toward choosing peace rather than envy. I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I didn't want to be filled with envy and jealousy. I wanted to walk through my days with a heart of peace.

I also knew I couldn't do it alone. I needed God's help - His strength - so that I would make the right choice. It was a daily choice.

When I opened my Bible today to look up this verse in Proverbs, I saw another date written next to it. 9.24.07

I have no idea what was happening in my life on that day. All I know is that nearly a year later I was still struggling with choosing peace or envy. I was still working through the decision to be healed from my pain, my jealousy, my longing.

I am so thankful I didn't know on 10.14.06 that 11 months later I would be reading that verse and writing another date next to it.

Because choosing healing, choosing wholeness, choosing life and health is a daily choice - no matter what the future holds.

I leave you again with the same two questions: Do you want to be well or do you want to cope? Do you want to accept God's invitation for healing?


Life In Mazes said...

Beautiful post!

Charnè said...

thanks for a beautiful, eye opening post