Last night Ryan, Samuel and I were sitting on our front steps. Next to the steps stands a tiny shepherd's hook with a small bell that hangs down from it.
Samuel loves to ring the bell. Ryan commented how ironic it is that Samuel was ringing the bell because of what it represents in our lives....and the timing of when it was given to us. The bell was given to us by Ryan's mom on September 15, 2008 (one year ago next week). It stands in memory of the second baby that left my womb unexpectedly.
It is only because of that miscarriage that we now have Samuel in our lives. Such heartache....and yet such incredible joy.
Tomorrow is a day I've thought a lot about recently. I didn't think I would be blogging about it because I thought I would have a newborn baby at home to be caring for. Or, at the very least, I would be in the hospital.
But here I am. Contemplating, pondering and thinking about September 11, 2008.
I was 9 weeks pregnant with our second baby. We saw a tiny heartbeat at 7 weeks and we were going in for a second ultrasound to confirm the baby was growing and healthy and to check the cyst on my ovary.
I didn't want to have a doctor's appt on 9/11. But I didn't want to be superstitious either. So we made an early morning appt for an ultrasound on Thursday, September 11, 2008.
I will never forget the words of the ultrasound tech when she said, "There are a few things I'm seeing that worry me. The sac has collapsed and there is no heartbeat. You will miscarry."
She stated it so matter of fact. And yet those few words stopped my world. Left me fighting to breathe. And brought me into a state of shock that lasted for days.
Two years of waiting since our previous miscarriage and now we were losing another baby. We were just 10 days from leaving for Hawaii.
A D&C was scheduled for September 15 (the date of my scheduled induction next week).
I'm trying to wrap my brain around all these emotions, dates and memories. Was this God's plan all along? To bring our fourth baby exactly 365 days after we lost our second? On the day we found out there was no longer a heartbeat? Or on the day we went to the hospital for the surgery?
I wish I knew. I want to know. God what is your plan? Once again, I feel like I did on April 20 of this year. Celebrating the images we saw on the ultrasound screen that told us we had a healthy baby girl growing in my womb. Grieving as that was the exact due date of the baby we lost on September 11.
I look at the shepherd's hook and so many painful emotions come flooding back. Leaving early in the dark to make it to the hospital for my surgery on the 15th. Crying my eyes out that with just a 15-minute procedure I could go from pregnant to not pregnant (even though our baby had already died, it wasn't real until after the surgery).
Today I grieve the one-year anniversary of the loss of our little one. And yet I celebrate that in the Lord's goodness, I have another miracle growing inside of me.
I smile. I laugh. I cry. I anticipate. I remember. I wait. And I praise the Lord....for only HE could have orchestrated a story and timing like this. One year ago this weekend we grieved. This year, we celebrate.
It's almost too much for this mama's heart to take.