Friday, December 11, 2009

Consumed by anger

I am very grateful for Ryan's post about prayer and my response to Samuel's illness. It does my heart good to read those words from my husband.

But here's what Ryan left out of his post: Tuesday night I was angry. So very very angry. I petitioned the Lord for sleep. I begged and pleaded and asked and prayed for Samuel to sleep well and for us to get some much-needed rest.

And I felt the Lord didn't answer that prayer. And I got ticked off. Really ticked off. In the middle of the night, I felt consumed by anger. I wasn't angry at Samuel, I was angry at the Lord. He could easily soothe Samuel's little body so that he wouldn't wake up or be sick.

I felt this was such a small prayer request in the grand scheme of things, yet a much needed prayer for our family. And yet the prayer went unanswered that night.

So I lay in bed mad. Consumed by my anger.

Can anyone out there relate to me?

You pray and plead and beg and petition and you feel as though it falls on deaf ears.

And you know what? I felt justified by my anger. I was content to sit in bed and be angry at the Lord. And in the morning when we got up, I was still angry.

In fact, all day Wednesday I was composing a post in my head about my anger. And to be honest, I am still working through my anger with the Lord.

I'm just asking for health. And sleep. And I think, "Is that too much Lord? Can't you answer this one little prayer?"

And then I think of children out there with major illnesses. Life-threatening diseases. Diagnoses that change a family forever. And I'm humbled and humiliated at my immaturity and my stubbornness to hang onto my anger.

I've got a long way to go as a parent. And a long way to go as a woman of faith.

Forgive me Lord. I'm definitely a work in progress.

3 comments:

Sew said...

I can totally relate. Totally!

Being angry I don't think is a sin. Just a natural reaction to being in any relationship. I think anger is a good emotion to have at times though. :) Don't think that I haven't thought about you as we enter into the next stage.

Last night I was so exhausted and sore from moving all day that I couldn't move. My Dh needed food and he wasn't backing down to just eating a sandwich. I thought one day I will be a mother and HAVE to cook and I better start showing that love to my DH.

Anyway, I thought of you. :) Because I thought this kind of tired I bet In its time would love to be, now get up and make dinner. :) hahaha! :)

Maria Therese said...

Stacy, you are a new Mom of two kids under two. Most of all, you are human.

I can relate to this anger too. I have been praying to be blessed with a child for a long time. When I was single and praying to be blessed with a good husband, I was also praying for us to someday be blessed with children.

I pray, pray, and pray some more but it seems my prayers go unanswered. I still pick up my rosary beads and pray, trying to have faith, trying to trust. It is so difficult to keep praying for something every day, year after year, and not receive any answers.

Most people do not know this, but often when I pray I'm crying. Crying for God to please hear my prayers and bless us with a child. Yes, sometimes I feel angry and very frustrated about this. At times it seems too much to be able to bear this pain and suffering of endometriosis, infertility, and not being able to be a Mother. Something I want so much.

So yes I can relate to praying for something and not receiving any answers. I can also relate to feeling frustrated and angry asking for something and prayers going answered.

All I know is that yes, God does hear our prayers, but sometimes He doesn't answer them right away for some unknown reason. During those times He asks us to keep praying, trust Him, and have faith, which is not always easy.

Stacy, I think you are doing such a wonderful job in your vocation as wife and mother! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

I am so sorry to hear that your adorable little boy is sick. I am praying he will feel better soon, he will be able to get a good night's sleep, and his Mommy and Daddy are able to get a good night's rest too.

Thinking of you and praying for you! You are so blessed to be a Mother!

Much love and hugs to you!

Maria

Langford Family Blog said...

Yep. I relate. Especially for my constant prayers for Paul's sleep issues. I'm right there with you!