Thursday, December 3, 2009

The good, the bad and the ugly

I'm struggling with what to write on my post today. I am committed to being honest, open and authentic on this blog. And when I have hard days, I will not sugar coat it and pretend motherhood is a breeze.

But I also want to be sensitive, because I know that a lot of you reading this would give anything to have a hard day as a mom and I understand that. I know you would give anything to have two little children in your daily care.

Yet, I'm reminding myself that I'm not only writing to those of you who are walking a journey similar to what I did. I am writing to my friends who are currently in the same stage of life I'm in: mothering two little ones at home.

So here's to you guys: Molly, Heidi, Liz, Megan H, Megan S. We're in this together. We love it, but it's not easy...

Motherhood is hard. Really hard. For years I longed to be a mom, and it is an unbelievable privilege. But that doesn't mean it's easy. Ryan had a work event to attend last night so it was just me and the kids from sun up to sun down yesterday.

And it was tough.

Another night of little sleep and feeling under the weather started the day off a little rough. Having two kids wake up crying at the same time leaves you feeling inadequate to meet both their needs.

Repeating "be gentle to your sister, be nice to the cat, don't touch that, please leave those buttons alone" over and over makes you wonder how long it takes until "please listen and obey" is implemented.

Changing diapers, giving baths, dressing the kids. That is all part of motherhood. But when does motherhood stop and making meals, cleaning up the house, and washing clothes begin?

Yesterday I did not brush my teeth until I went to bed at 8 p.m. I have not showered since Monday night when I got into the tub with Samuel as I was giving him a bath. Really? My only shower this week was with my child? I wore a t-shirt and sweatpants all day. I saw no other adult besides my husband. I watched no television and did not listen to the radio.

My phone conversations were my only connection with the 'adult' world.

The dishwasher did not get emptied all day. The laundry did not get put in the dryer from the night before until late afternoon.

My lunch consisted of a banana and wheat thins at 2 p.m.

I let my child watch two DVDs as I fed his sister and felt guilty the entire time for letting him watch 'movies.' At least they were a Praise Baby DVD and a Signing DVD.

I read Goodnight Moon 15 times and wiped a runny nose 10 times.

I was impatient. I was selfish at times. I was crabby. I whined to my husband and begged God for a few minutes of rest. I talked with friends about sleep schedules, feedings, and the challenges of mothering two.

This may not be pretty but this is motherhood. Not as I wish it were some days. Not as I hope it might be. This is my life - the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to record it so I can remember it as I look back on these days...knowing I made it through. I survived two kids under 14 months.

P.S. Now I'm going to go take a shower.


Anonymous said...

I hear you Stacy. Thanks for sharing. I love to read your posts - especially your last two. Your words could not be more true and EXACTLY how I feel. Good to know I'm not alone. I LOVE my girls, but it is hard and some days worse then others. Thanks for being so honest!

Megan S.

Sew said...

I want the truth! I look at what you write and think I'm WAY TO SELFISH for that! ;) God is making me wait because He is so wise! He knew I would have gotten burned out quickly if we would have blessed me quickly!

I'm content to wait. :)

Anonymous said...

what you are going through is the same for me. so we are not alone.
it will get better, just remember is this is just temporary!

Stacey said...

I'm glad you are honest, Stacy. Those of us still waiting need to know what it is really like! Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that having a child will solve all my problems -- but I know that it is very hard and will bring all new challenges with it. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to keep a schedule like yours while dealing with sleep deprivation! Hoping you all get rested and healthy soon.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I, too, appreciate the honesty. I'd MUCH rather hear a mother complain occasionally about the challenges that she has EARNED through yrs of IF, than a mother complain frequently about her kids, their behaviors, etc. without ever mentioning her gratitude.

Heidi said...

Love this post Stacy! This is a perfect summary of my day. Good to know we are in this together!

cybil said...

Hi Stacy,
If it's possible, I can only recommend to take a babysitter from time to time while you're in the apartment. That gives you freedom to catch up with some things, to shower etc. I did that already quite often with my 18 months old son.
I pray you find the right solutions ... God has some in store!

Kim said...

Thanks for the reminder of what I have right now Stacy! ;) I am embracing all the luxuries of being child-free right now!!! I think it's a good reminder to appreciate what you do have, both sides of this have it's advantages and disadvantages, but both filled with happiness and hard times. It's the ebb and flow, yin and yang. I understand feeling bad for venting, because there is always someone much worse off or who wishes they were in your shoes, but the truth of the matter is, it can be difficult and exhausting and you have every right to share that with us!!! I love your honesty. Keep being you and hope you were able to enjoy that shower!

Anonymous said...

As a single girl I am waiting. I'm waiting to see if I get a chance at marriage and at having children. (both seem so hopeless, honestly).
I've had to hide some people in my facebook stream because of their insensitivity in posting all the bragging of their seemingly perfect mother and wife status. But, Stacy, I go out of my way to read your blog faithfully. Your honesty is refreshing and encouraging, even to someone in a very different position. I can complain with your complaining, as I have rejoiced with your rejoicing, and mourned with your mourning. Please continue to keep it real for all of us. Your candid words minister to so many.

Ann said...

I love to read these posts... the brutal honesty is so refreshing. I remember feeling very alone and overwhelmed the first 3 months of my daughter's life. I kept thinking to myself "what is wrong with me"? I wasn't depressed, just plain old overwhelmed and I felt like I was the only mom who felt this way. No one REALLY talks about how hard it is. How much you will doubt you own ability to be a "good" mom. I don't know how many times I asked myself "how do people do this more than 1 time"? I felt like I couldn't even handle 1 child, how do people do this 4, 5, 6, maybe even 8 times?
So I am thankful that you are willing to be honest about how it feels to have an infant to take care of. I was talking to someone at church yesterday about mom stuff and she looked at me and gave me a big hug and said "you are a such a good mom" and it made me feel so good. I really needed to hear it. So Stacy, I'm reading out and giving you a big virtual hug and saying "Stacy, you are such a good mom..... your babies are so lucky to have such a wonderful mom"!