Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I haven't blogged much lately.

To be honest, time has been short and when there has been time, I've been struggling with what to write or what not to write.

I have a lot of post ideas in my mind, but these days I seem to be consumed by my role as a mom.

Motherhood has been hard lately. Really hard.

Harder than I want to admit.

And for some reason admitting that makes me feel like a failure.

I KNOW I'm not a failure, but I FEEL like I'm failing.

A friend once told me that having an infant and a toddler is the most tiring season of life. Today I would not argue one little bit with that...

The kids have been sick - again - and sleep has been short. I am trying to be upbeat in the midst of the exhaustion and I'm trying to be patient with my little ones.

I wonder how I can feel frustrated or angry or impatient when this is what I've wanted for so long?

And then I feel guilty and ashamed for feeling so tired and frustrated. And the crazy cycle goes on....

I'm not looking for words of encouragement or affirmation. I'm just sharing why I haven't posted much lately. I'm continually writing posts in my head, but it is very rare that I can get those posts from my head onto the computer.

As I was driving today I was contemplating why these days are so difficult for me and what I meant when Ryan walked in the door from work and I said, "I can't do this anymore."

I knew having babies 11 months apart would be hard...I just didn't understand how hard it was going to be. The truth is, I CAN do this and I WILL do this.

Someday soon my sleepless nights will be a faint memory.And I will struggle to remember why motherhood was indeed, so hard.

4 comments:

Aaron and Angie said...

I just found your blog a few weeks ago and started following along. I am a mom in Michigan who has two girls, 7 months apart. I, just like you, adopted my first daughter and then found out that I was pregnant. A blessing for sure. And, exhaustion? Absolutely. My girls are now 14 and 7 months. I have a walker and a trying to crawler! Keeping them both happy as they are in two different stages, feeding them on the same schedule when they eat two different meals, keeping up with housework and meals for my husband and myself... well, it's hard. You aren't crazy and I too have those days where I cry my eyes out and wonder how I can do this anymore. But we do it, again the next day. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I hear ya. I'm sure if you're anything like me, tomorrow will be better and then in a few weeks you'll have another "what was I thinking" day. But, it took us so long to get where we are, the blessing overrides the crazy days. Good luck & God bless. Oh, my blog is password protected. If interested in checking it out, shoot me an email @ ajhalstead@Yahoo.com Angie :)

Stacey said...

Saying extra prayers for you, Stacy. I can't imagine the combination of two small children, sickness, and sleep deprivation. Praying you get lots of rest and some relief very soon, friend. As far as the blog, we'll be waiting when you come back!

Words/Wonder said...

Be encouraged that your experience matches nearly every parent I see in our ER (it's strictly pediatric). Often the whole family gets sick at once, multiple times a year, & mom and/or dad come in exhausted.

avb said...

I can totally relate Stacy. It is funny, often times when I read your blog it is like you are taking the words out of my mouth. It is like free theapy for me :-) You are doing an amazing job and it will get easier as they get older. Well then, harder in another way. I am now dealing with the fighting over toys, hitting and biting between the 2 girls. The upside is that they both sleep for me at the same time for about 2 hours in the afternoon - ahhhh! Your time will come. Take Care! Amy