Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Adoption does not cure infertility

When Samuel was just an infant I sat with a group of women at church who talked about their labors and deliveries. I had a beautiful new baby boy, yet I could not participate in their conversation because I had not carried a baby to term.

It was a bittersweet moment for me that I will not forget: I was, at last, sitting in a mom's group. And yet, the discussion was about something I could not relate to and I felt excluded.

Just a few weeks ago Ryan and I were out to dinner with some couples and someone made an off-hand joke about everyone working on getting pregnant at the same time. Everyone laughed - even my friend who is an adoptive parent - but my heart was heavy.

Because although my friend is a mom, she has not yet had the opportunity to conceive and carry a baby. And everything in her longs to do so.

No one meant any harm by this comment, and my friend would never say anything, but I wanted to stand up and shout, "Don't you realize it's not that easy for everyone? There are so many couples who can't just go home and make a baby."

They can't just look at the calendar and choose which month they want to have a newborn or what season would be easiest to be pregnant. When I was carrying Lauren I remember someone mentioning to me how they planned their pregnancies so they wouldn't have to be pregnant during the hot summer months like I was. It was another reminder that there are people who get to plan when their children are born.

I didn't care one tiny bit that I would be in my 3rd trimester during the hot months of summer. I was growing life in my womb and that's all that mattered.

My heart continues to be extremely sensitive to my friends and family members who have not been able to conceive and carry a baby. I don't like talking about nursing, or labor, or pregnancy or any of that around them. Sometimes I do because people ask questions, but those are topics for another time and another place.

I read this quote recently on another blog: "Adoption cures childlessness, but not infertility."

Remember that dear friends. The mom sitting next to you at church or at a party or in your mom's group might be crazy about her kids, while her heart still longs for the miracle of pregnancy.


Little JoAnn said...

Another excellent post! KEEP THEM coming. I can't put into words they way you can, these insights.

Jeri said...

Thank you so much Stacy- for knowing your friends and understanding how they feel. You have validated my feelings so many times by simply acknowledging that it's hard! I often feel guilty about struggling with the infertility issue when I now have a beautiful daughter to love. The quote about adoption not curing infertility is right on. Thank you for your amazing love and sensitivity!

Jennifer said...

thank you.

~Jenn~ said...


This post is so is hard sometimes to "laugh or smile" when you're really faking it...just so you don't have to answer questions or make anyone uncomfortable.

Adoption is a wonderful blessing, but does not cure the heartache of infertility. After three years, we have what we believe is a reason for our, after a minor surgery for me and a few other's to hoping that our miracle is coming soon! And, if not, then we'll "smile" at a time.

I know you can still, and will always, understand...I don't think anyone who struggled with serious infertility issues will ever forget the raw emotions that go along with waiting.

Flakymn said...

Love this post

tea said...

Thank you so much for writing this. These are my feelings exactly and it feels so good to hear them validated. I love my son (who we adopted) and am so blessed to have him. But my heart aches to experiece pregnancy. No one around me understands the deep loss that I feel from not experiencing pregnancy and it is hard to always endure "those" conversations and comments. Thank you again for sharing this.

Mrs. Mike said...

Yes! This!

Thank you for stating so clearly what has been on my heart since bring our first son home almost 8 years ago.

Maria Therese said...

I was wondering if you could offer me a little insight? I have been praying a lot this week and thought you might understand.

I have a very good friend who was married about five months ago. She just turned 40. Just like me, she has always wanted to be a Mother. We talk all the time online and on the phone. We decided to help each other eat right and exercise. We also decided to pray for each other.

Well, wouldn't you know it LOL, she just found out she is pregnant! I am very happy for her, but feel very sad and discourage for myself. I've been crying off and on all week.

Any insight on why God seems to answer my prayers when I pray for other friends to be able to get pregnant and NOT me? I have prayed for many friends to be able to have babies and many of them have been blessed with pregnancies and babies, thanks to God!

When I was single I prayed a lot for a good husband and was blessed by God to find one, thank you God again! But when I was single I was also praying that after my husband and I were married we would be blessed with children. I have been praying the same prayer for the three years I've been married.

I just don't understand why God answers my friends prayers for children and not mine.

My good friend who is now pregnant told me that after a couple of months of being married and not getting pregnant, she prayed and surrendered to God this desire. Well, I have tried to do that but end up crying each time.

I also wonder why did God give me such a strong desire to be a Mommy only years later after being blessed to be married I find out I have endometriosis/infertility issues?

I just feel like I'm struggling. It's very difficult for me to try to pray right now. I wish I didn't feel like this.

Have you ever felt like this? What did you do? I would love to hear!

P.S. Do you know of any good sermons/pod casts on this subject? I would love to listen to them!

Hope to hear from you when you have a chance!

Could you please pray for me? For a child? I would really appreciate it so much! Thank you so much!

You can email me at:

Thank you so much!