Monday, January 24, 2011

Tears

Tonight my eyes hurt.

They are puffy. They are sore. They are tired.

They are eyes that have shed a lot of tears today.

It's surprising that during this season of waiting I haven't shed more tears. I cried much more frequently while waiting for my babies. 

But this time it's not me and my body. It's my husband. And that's why the tears came today.

He is doing so great. He is so strong. He is so motivated. He continues to apply, seek, search, call, email, meet, network and wait. 

He has done such a good job.

But today was a hard day. He got an email he didn't want to get with news he didn't want to read.

And the disappointment and discouragement in his voice was overwhelming.

The lack of hope was heartbreaking.

The frustration was too much for me to take.

So I cried.

I bawled really. A lot. 

For a long time.

And I was at work. 

It's one thing when it's me. It's another when it's him - hurting, hoping, waiting, wanting. 

Just like he couldn't make me pregnant, I can't get him a job.

And I can't stop the all-too-familiar cycle of hope and despair. Waiting. Wondering. Hoping. And then news you don't want to hear.

It's not unlike the infertility cycle.

And today it was just a little too much to take.

Tomorrow will be better. My eyes won't hurt. My heart will be a little more hopeful. 

My God will remind me in quiet, simple ways:
...that this is part of our story.
...that He is still in control.
...that He wouldn't give us two babies to love and raise without a perfect plan in place.

5 comments:

JellyBelly said...

Continuing to pray for you!

WoRds/WoNDer said...

Please know that which each post I lift up your family to the Father who gives the greatest gifts.

cybil said...

Gos will surprise you!!! He is so good! But I understand that it's tough to wait sometimes!!

Anonymous said...

Stacy,
I am so sorry you are going through this as a family!! we have being there and i know is hard as a couple. We are praying for you and thinking of you alot!! You are not alone on this. You can certantly cry on my shoulder and are here you!
Love you all!

Leslie Broussard said...

"Today it was just too much to take."

That is such a beautiful sentiment. It is so true, real, raw and yet hopeful for a better tomorrow. It acknowledges humanity, but offers reprieve of our burdens - somehow, some way, I will have His strength to live to fight another day.

Many blessings,
Leslie