I don't know what to do.
I just don't know.
Two conversations today have got me thinking about how I don't know what to do in this season of waiting.
I think I've forgotten how to wait well.
I think I've tossed all the lessons I learned about waiting.
I think I've easily slipped into bad habits and patterns of waiting that are not very life-giving.
In some ways - and on some days - I think I've chosen to pretend we're not waiting. Because I don't want to be waiting. Again.
I looked back at past posts I wrote about Being Still and Seeking God and to be honest what I feel like writing is blah. blah. blah.
I just don't want to do any of it. And therefore I don't know what to do.
And I know many of you out there don't know what to do either because your wait has been much longer than our current unemployment wait.
And you don't have two little miracles running around reminding you of God's goodness and faithfulness. I actually have three sweet miracles sleeping in my house right now but that's a story for another day.
I feel like there are many things I should do.
I should pray or pray more. I should read the Word. I should fast. I should plead. I should petition on my husband's behalf. I should do something.
What I really want to do is not think about it. Not process. Not ponder. Not try to figure out what lesson the Lord might be trying to teach us (is He even trying to teach us a lesson?). Not discover His plan.
So I'm just sitting here in the midst of my junk. My selfishness. My laziness. My humanness. My sinfulness. I'm more focused on me than I am on Him which is probably 110% of the problem.
So maybe I do know what I need to do and I just don't want to do it.
And that realization is a tough one to swallow.