Thursday, June 23, 2011

It's strange

I'm somewhere that I've been a number of times before.

About 8 times if I'm counting right.

The last time I was here I was pregnant.

With a baby I never got to meet.

And now I'm here with my two children.

And it's all very very strange.

The resort Ryan and I are staying at on vacation this week is one that we would come to with our young adult church every Labor Day weekend for the first 8 years of our married life. I got baptized here and saw a lot of friends get baptized here as well. Some of our very best couple friends we met during our weekends here. I really do love this place.

But I'm also experiencing a strange mix of emotions because the last time I was here I was pregnant. Our second pregnancy. 24 months of trying after our first pregnancy. We were just two weeks into it. Our hearts were full, although somewhat nervous after our long journey. Our first ultrasound showed the heart beat of a very tiny baby.

We told just one other couple. Ryan and I would catch each other's eyes and smile. It was our secret. We were finally going to be parents. We had friends with us who were pregnant and due in February. We were so very excited to be starting the journey to parenthood with them.

But God's plans were not our plans, and as you know, we never got to hold or meet that sweet baby. Just two weeks later we had our second ultrasound that confirmed our baby had died.

And now here I am. Last time I looked at this blue Minnesota lake surrounded by pine trees I was pregnant with one baby. And as I type this, there are two different babies sleeping in our cabin who call me mama - one from my womb and one from the womb of a teenage birth mom.

And I'm having an unexpected trip down memory lane.

Life is funny like that. I have my days and my moments when I know I'll be remembering my little ones that were born to Heaven. But it's days like today - with unplanned moments - when I didn't expect for my heart to be recalling these tender memories.

It's with a large lump in my throat that I think of the little life I never got to meet, much less hold in my arms. I know that the Lord had a different plan for our family and I'm OK with that. But it's during times like this that I long for the day when I will get to meet the One who knitted my baby together. It brings me great comfort to think that He'll be holding my baby - whole, healthy and having known nothing but love.

1 comment:

Jess said...

Sometimes memories creep up on you when least expect it. I'm sorry for the mixed emotions at the moment, but you are one blessed momma to have two little cuties that will call you Mommy :-) Praying God gives you peace and healing this weekend, and LOTS of good memories with your family.