Friday, July 1, 2011

A roller coaster of emotions

It's been a fairly exhausting week emotionally. A roller coaster of emotions to be honest.

Ryan had three hours of interviews on Wednesday and another hour interview yesterday. By 7 p.m. Wednesday night one company emailed and said they were pursuing another candidate.

It was a tough night.

The hope-followed-by-disappointment cycle that continues to happen is tough to take. It was hard when we were trying to conceive and it's hard now when we're trying to secure a job.

I almost posted on Wednesday night, but today I'm grateful I didn't. It wouldn't have been pretty. I was at a very raw point emotionally and seeing my husband deal with rejection to the degree that he has, put me over the top Wednesday night.

This trial is a reminder to me again that I have to repeatedly make choices. I can choose anger or I can choose patience. I can choose bitterness or I can choose peace. I can choose pride or I choose to humbly trust. I can choose to harden my heart toward the Lord or I can choose to walk another day in faith.

A year ago I posted this about having a heart at peace. Here I am, a year fact three years after I wrote the original post, still struggling with bitter roots. Because bitter roots don't just grow once. They continually try to find dark places in your heart, take root and eventually take over. Striving for a heart at peace will be a life-long endeavor for me.


It's a daily choice. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes the choice involves tearful surrendering and other times it includes purposeful decisions about what I'm going to think and choose to believe.

This morning Ryan faced another day of applying for jobs and trying to make sense of all that is happening. And he has his own choices to make: he has to choose joy over depression and determination over laziness. And this morning there was a pretty tough mental battle taking place.

So here we go....getting on the roller coaster again, strapping on our seat belts, and hoping the next ride has a different ending.


cybil said...

Hi Stacy and Ryan,
I am really sorry for what you have to go through!
But I'm convinced God has a great plan and a great place and a perfect timing. It's not easy and often we can't find answers.
But God is good - all the time and he is so proud of you guys and loves you so dearly!!!!
Hugs from Switzerland,

JellyBelly said...

Praying for you guys!