Friday, May 11, 2012

The year I skipped Mother's Day

As Mother's Day approaches, heavy on my heart are those who are waiting and longing to be a mom. If that is you, please leave a comment below and know I will be covering you in prayer all weekend long.

From the archives (May 2009):

One year ago today I could not face the reality that another Mother’s Day was upon us. My dreams of motherhood were unfulfilled, and I did everything possible to avoid facing the day that so many families celebrated. My husband and I enjoyed a lazy and relaxing Sunday morning. We didn’t go to church and we didn’t see our families.

Proverbs 13:12 says, “A hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Last year my heart was desperately sick. For nearly three years my husband and I had walked the road of infertility and miscarriages.

We lost our first little one at 10 weeks in July 2006. For the next two years we struggled to conceive again. We pleaded with God. We begged God. We petitioned God. But His answer was no. His answer was, “Wait on me.”

Waiting is hard. It’s full of questions, doubts, and fears.

And for me, the pain of waiting was magnified one year ago today when everywhere I looked I was reminded that others were celebrating a gift that God had not yet given to me. Mother’s Day 2008 represented the tender reality that my womb was still empty. I was 32. It had been 22 months since our miscarriage and my heart was bitter, broken and hardened.

Last summer led me on a journey of dealing with the resentment, anger and bitterness that had taken root in my heart. This was difficult, yet necessary, as I longed to walk in the freedom of God’s grace and forgiveness.

And finally, in August of last year, I discovered I was pregnant. Surely this was God’s blessing as a result of the healing that had taken place in my heart. At 7 weeks we heard a beautiful heartbeat. But at 9 weeks we were told, for the second time, our baby had died in my womb.

My dreams of motherhood vanished as quickly as they had come. And another bitter root threatened to grow.

But in God’s great mercy he didn’t allow that to happen. Just 24 days later God took my waiting and showed me it was not in vain.

On October 4, 2008, we got a call about a baby boy born in Waconia the day before. He was just 24 hours old. Were we interested? We had not started the adoption process, but we jumped in the car and went to the hospital to meet the birth mom. Within an hour she told us she would like us to adopt our son, whom we promptly named Samuel. We took him home two days later.

For seven months we have not stopped praising God for Samuel’s miraculous arrival into our lives. We are in awe of God’s timing and God’s plans for our family. And we continue to live in awe of the author and creator of life: in January we discovered that I was pregnant. Samuel will become a big brother this fall. Our story continues to be a beautiful reminder that despite all of our planning, God alone determines our future.

Today, Mother’s Day 2009, I could celebrate that my future will hold children just 11 months apart. I could celebrate that my battle with infertility has come to an end.

But instead, today I choose to celebrate that God restored my soul…before he restored my circumstances. I celebrate that he healed my heart. I celebrate freedom from the bondage of bitterness. I celebrate the blessing of waiting on the Lord.


Patiently Waiting...... said...

Thank you for once again sharing this post and thank you for the prayers. This is my fourth Mother's Day longing for a child and I can feel the bitterness sneaking in. I am instead choosing to focus on my blessings instead...a wonderful mother of my own and 7 beautiful godchildren. Please pray that Sunday goes by okay for all of us still waiting. God Bless your family!

Anonymous said...

Your posts are so poignant and spot on! This is my second mother's day in waiting, although last year I didn't realize that it was a big deal, as it had only been a few months. At this point we've been TTC for 15 months now, with one very recent miscarriage. Your blog inspired me, and the Lord nudged me with the miscacrriage to write a blog myself. So this mother's day, I too am chosing joy in the waiting, knowing that He who loves me is faithful and is making beauty from our ashes! Praise the Lord for restoring your soul before He brought you two little blessed they are to have you as their mother! Happy Mother's Day!

whenwilliconceive said...

This will be my third Mother's Day in waiting. I am inspired by your blog and it has helped me so much through this difficult time. Thank you for inspiring me and I'm sure many others.

Tarrin-Rae said...

Your posts have had me in tears on many ocassions. We have only just started on this road, and the past few months have been very emotional. Thank you for your honesty. Your blog has helped me realise that all I can do is WAIT and SEEK GOD's face. Thank you Stacy.

Katie Mayes said...

A coworker of mine came across your blog when she was searching online for information to use for a devotional. She told me about it because she knew that my husband and I are struggling with infertility. I just wanted to tell you how much your honesty and willingness to share things that are so hard means to me. Many times I have read posts on your blog or the waiting poem and I can't tell you how much it has helped me. It's easy to say that we need to put our trust in God and wait on his timing, but sometimes it is SO hard to actually do that. Thank you!

C. said...

This is a beautiful post and I thank you for it. But...with all due respect....your outcome was a happy one, in spite of much pain. But, what if someone's wait never ends with "yes"? How does one live in that type of pain and not be taken over by bitterness, especially when surrounded by people (every where) whose prayers He so happily answers in that way? (I hope these questions dont offend you. I don't mean to!)